Somatic Sex Educators, Sex Coaches and Sex Therapists, help your clients improve their sexual arousal management during an erotic massage. This mindfulness practice is from the course materials for training Sexological Bodyworkers.
Erotic Massage Dancing: Integrating Sexual Arousal into our Bodies and Lives
Erotic massage often involves a bodyworker touching and sexually stimulating a passive receiver. This is not the case in the somatic sex education practice known as Erotic Massage Dancing, where the receiver enthusiastically participates in the erotic massage with their breathing rhythms, body movements, moaning, self-touching and guiding the erotic bodyworker. For this reason, Erotic Massage Dancing is sometimes called Active Receiving.
Introduction
Erotic Massage Dancing (EMD) is a pleasurable way to improve sexual arousal management, the foundational somatic skill of good sex. Learning ways to play with sexual arousal is best explored and fine-tuned in an aroused state. Erotic massage sessions offer an optimal setting for this sexual arousal education. Of course, the learning is not limited to erotic massage situations. EMD includes practices for managing sexual arousal in all libidinous situations (intercourse, oral sex, solo sex, etc.) EMD also supports us in awakening the heart-genital connection, allowing deeper relationships with our partners, with ourselves, with other people, and with the earth as a living entity.
While being stimulated by a skilled erotic bodyworker (EBodyworker), the receiver (“the Dancer”) brings awareness to their sexual arousal through breathing rhythms, simple body movements, sounds and self-touch. This practice of playing more mindfully with sexual arousal allows the Dancer to liberate themselves from limiting sexual habits while focusing on their feelings of aliveness. EMD demands trust and constant communication between the EBodyworker and the Dancer as they discern together the mindful practices which best address the Dancer’s stated needs.
Learning arousal management skills is an on-going process. For many, it is a life-long process. In each new session, the EBodyworker can summarize the process from past sessions and ask the Dancer to speak about their learning and desires for the session. At the end of each session, the EBodyworker might recommend appropriate homework for the Dancer (and their partner) and propose possible directions to be explored in their next meeting. With ongoing guidance and support from the EBodyworker, the Dancer discovers erotic places within their body they haven’t been before and erotic feelings they haven’t felt before.
Sexological Bodyworkers wear gloves for Erotic Massage Dancing.
Confronting Sexual Arousal Habits
Managing sexual arousal involves learning new sexual skills while letting go of limiting sexual arousal habits, often picked up during childhood and adolescence. These habits produce stress and tensions throughout the body during sexual arousal. Some of the most common arousal habits involve shallow or constricted breathing, limited body movement, squeezing of thighs, mechanical rubbing of the genitals, stifling of sound, and going away from the body into fantasy or thinking. Although these habits were originally acquired in the pursuit of orgasm, now they severely limit our potential for pleasure. These arousal patterns can inhibit playful and open-hearted sex with our partners and with ourselves. Habitual sex is most often experienced as boring sex.
The most influential and harmful habit of sex (sometimes called the governing habit of sex) is the mindless pursuit of orgasm/release. This “wanting” or craving of orgasm/release is a dopamine-driven neurological process that gives rise and endurance to all our other sexual habits. How you move with your partner, how you touch your genitals, how you breathe during sex, how you squeeze toward orgasm, all of these habits are governed by the “wanting” of orgasm. EMD offers effective ways to disrupt and escape this powerful “wanting orgasm” mode. The Dancer often finds it useful to commit to avoiding orgasm altogether within EMD sessions. (Brief explanation of “wanting orgasm” by Joseph Kramer.)
Sexual Arousal Management Skills
Sexual arousal is usually experienced as a spectrum, from no arousal to orgasm, with little attention to the levels of arousal before orgasm. It’s helpful for individuals to notice and name their levels of sexual arousal on a scale of one to five. Each of the first four levels can be maintained and enjoyed for a prolonged period of time. Level one involves the first stirrings of arousal in the genitals, while level five is orgasm or release. Level two describes a low state of arousal, level three describes significant arousal and level four represents a high state of arousal. The practices and strategies for managing sexual arousal can be used with any of these levels of arousal.
In EMD, one explores sexual arousal management by engaging touch, breathing and movements to increase sexual arousal or decrease sexual arousal. The increase of sexual arousal, which involves an increase in neural firing, is sometimes called up-regulation. Down-regulation names the calming of sexual arousal and a decrease in neural firing.
The EBodyworker stimulates arousal through genital touch. The speed and pressure of erectile tissue stimulation increases or decreases the Dancer’s arousal. Faster touch can increase or decrease arousal; slower touch can increase or decrease arousal. The Dancer needs to be constantly aware of the rise and fall of sexual arousal within their body, so that they can manage their arousal. The Dancer guides how they are touched. The Dancer can also breathe and move faster or slower to upregulate arousal or to downregulate arousal.
Because learning to manage sexual arousal needs to take place in a sexually aroused body, the Dancer cannot lose connection with their arousal. The Dancer’s intention is to weave their breathing or moving with their arousal. If breathing a certain pace or moving a certain way takes the Dancer away from their arousal (creates unwanted down-regulation), the Dancer should adjust or change that way of breathing or moving in order to come back into contact with their arousal.
Guidance for Practice
Breathing and Sexual Arousal. Practicing different breathing patterns with sexual arousal is an effective way for the Dancer to begin exploring EMD. The EBodyworker guides the Dancer’s breath. In preparation for this practice, the Dancer can become familiar with different breathing patterns and speeds by making use of paced-breathing videos on Youtube. Most EMD sessions will involve both slow and fast breathing rhythms.
Moving, Breathing and Sexual Arousal. The Dancer moves to circulate and integrate sexual arousal throughout their body. It is best for the Dancer to start by repeating one movement and one breath for a time (perhaps five minutes). Then the Dancer chooses a new movement and a new breathing pace. It is important for the Dancer to pay attention, noticing how one way of moving and breathing feels different from another, and to stay with the movements and breathing that help them to feel more pleasure and aliveness.
Erotic Massage Dancing is a sexual learning experience that helps individuals become better lovers, to confront sexual habits and to feel more alive. Most importantly, this practice connects the heart with the genitals, expanding one’s capacity to love.
YogaofSex.com makes the core certification materials for Sexological Bodyworkers available to all sex educators, sex coaches and motivated others and (in Course 4) offers step-by-step video guidance for many Erotic Massage Dancing practices.
Enjoy the Erotic Massage Dancing videos available on this website.