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Touching Venus and Penis: A Ritual for Lovers

By: Annie Sprinkle Ph.D.

Annie SprinkleCreating An Erotic Massage Ritual

In my own sex life, my lover and I enjoy a wide variety of types of sex. One of my favorite ways to make love is the Erotic Massage ritual. I try to make specific dates for erotic massage rituals a priority. When the time comes, we set up the massage table in our roomy kitchen. We prepare the space and gather the items we will need. I often set up an altar, do a tarot reading, and light candles and incense. My lover and I connect with loving words, take a few deep breaths together, and then we take turns giving and receiving. I don’t think of this as foreplay, but as ‘the play.’

I like to start the ritual with a brief full-body relaxing massage, then move into a sensuous erotic massage, then let go into a highly sexual massage with intense and thorough genital stimulation. Giving each part of the body loving, sensual attention creates an ecstatic reverberation in each cell of the body. You will radiate from your core and be open to connect with your partner in ways that are deep, electric and unforgettable. Such a profound erotic experiences deserves to be done with care and focus. Here, I will guide you through creating a very special erotic massage ritual for you and your lover.


Step One: Make an Erotic Massage Date

I invite you to make a date with your lover to share this massage with you, and together dedicate generous time for it. Plan for at least three hours to fully savor the experience.

At first, learning and doing these techniques might seem a little awkward, like learning new dance steps. You might have to go through them a couple of times in a mechanical way. But then after you’ve practiced and learned the strokes, you can focus on the pleasure and intimacy of your touch.
You and your lover are at your own unique place in your learning of erotic massage. Give thanks for where you are, and trust that you can share a spectacular, sexy massage with one another.


Step Two: Set up your Sexy Space

There are many styles of erotic massage. For example, you can do each stroke very gently and sensually, or deep and vigorously. You can do it with a Tantric flavor, or with a hard-edged BDSM twist. You can give the massage very meditatively to New Age sounds or do it with very boisterous energy to an Afro-Cuban beat. It is important that your erotic massage, like all of your lovemaking, is an authentic expression of you and your love for one another. Bringing in your favorite sensual elements will deepen your experience. But try not to fall into old sexual patterns and routines—like becoming goal oriented towards orgasm and forgetting all about the different massage strokes.

Create your space ahead of time to get the most out of your time together. Attend to each of the following details. You can create the space together, or one of you can set up the room as a delightful gift for you both.

* Heat the room to a cozy warm temperature.

* Turn off the phones and minimize other distractions.

* Prepare some kind of massage table. It’s definitely best to do this on a massage table, either professional or homemade (you can use a long strong table covered with blankets or padding.) If you don’t have a massage table, try making something comfortable on the floor or you can use your bed. Using a massage table makes giving the massage much more comfortable. Cover the table with a soft sheet and have pillows available.

* Gather Towels. Trust me, you’ll need at least one.

* Choose Your Music. Music is optional, although highly recommended. Something with a beat, that is erotic to you. Have it match your mood. Classical could work well, or rock, or new age. I usually like world music best. Choosing no music at all lets the sounds of your breath and moans take center stage.

* Set mood lighting. Massage by candlelight is the most beautiful, but take safety precautions. You can get very high from this massage and space out. Once my bed caught on fire from a candle and we had to call the fire department at the height of lovemaking. Talk about a surreal experience. Installing dimmers on your overhead lights is a good investment in your erotic life.

* Put out your massage oil or lotion, and an erotic lubricant. Have plenty of lotion and lube on hand. A pump bottle is best because you can use one hand to get more, leaving the other hand on your lover’s body. Use it beyond generously. Try different kinds of lotions and lubes until you discover your favorites. Warm up your oil or lotion by submerging the bottle in a bowl of hot water.

* Have Vinyl or Nitrile gloves available for safe sex, when needed. Use gloves if there are cuts on the hands, if your fingernails are sharp and to limit the spread of body fluids. Remember oil disintegrates latex, so we recommend vinyl or nitrile gloves, which are available at any drugstore.

* Look around the room. What details could you add to make a truly welcoming, sexy space for you and your lover? Are there any additional distractions to minimize? This room will be your lovemaking temple for the next few hours. A few minutes setting up a nice space will be most worthwhile.


Step Three: Go Deep Into Your Role

Before you begin your erotic massage ritual, decide who will be giving and who will be receiving the massage. Having dedicated roles is such a treat for lovers- enjoy sinking deeply into the role and delight in all of the pleasure of both giving and receiving.


Recommended Video for Enrolled Students: In this video clip, watch Joseph Kramer and I share our insights on the value of this form of lovemaking.
Erotic Massage Video Clip # 1 (from "Fire in the Valley: Female Genital Massage")


What to do if you are giving:

* Breathe deeply along with your partner.

* Give total focus to your partner, and stay present.

* Tap into your sensitivity.

* Pay attention to your lover’s responses. Tune in and notice what your lover likes or doesn’t like.

* If you get insecure, say positive affirmations to yourself. Like “I’m a great masseuse,” or “My consciousness is in my hands, and I know just what to do with them.”

* Be creative and make giving fun for yourself.

* Enjoy looking at and touching your lover’s body.

* Ask your lover for feedback as you go. And say, “thank you" when you get it.

* Move slowly, except when your lover asks for something faster.

* Limit chitchat.

* If you are using just one hand on the genital area, always use the other hand on other parts of the body, to help spread energy to them. This will move the sexual energy from the genitals to the rest of the body.

What to do if you are receiving:

* Totally receive 100%. Don’t try and give anything back while you receive. Simply lie back, and enjoy it.

* Breathe. The more you breathe the more fully you will feel.

* Give feedback. It’s your body and your massage, so say what you want, or don’t want. Harder or softer, faster or slower. You can give feedback with your voice, with hand gestures and body language.

* Let yourself go. Surrender to whatever you are feeling.

* Share your feelings verbally if you want to. But again, limit chitchat.

* Don’t worry about erections. Men find that being semi-erect is a fine way to enjoy this sexual massage. The goal is not to have an erection or ejaculation, but to experience pleasure.

* Tell your partner whenever you need something. Ask them to use more lubrication or oil when needed.

* Savor.


Step Four: Ignite Your Lover With Touch

The goal of all of the strokes below is to wake up and even excite all parts of the genitals. I have chosen these favorite strokes for you, and each one ignites the fire of a different part of the genitals. Try these foundational strokes first, then, if you’re inspired, watch the rest of the “Fire in the Valley” and the "Fire on the Mountain" collection of video clips – and, of course, use your own creativity!

Don’t forget to breathe! The more you breathe, the more you will feel. Here is an article I wrote about sex and breath. Breathing may be the most important sexual skill you can develop.


Recommended Video for enrolled students

Video Clip #2 - Begin your massage with a full body warm-up.

Video Clip #3 - Give her labia some loving.

Video Clip #4 - Stimulate the clitoris with creativity and gusto.

Video Clip #5 - Enter the yoni with ease and elegance

Video Clip #6 - Generate lots of excitement with these creative strokes.

(these video clips are from "Fire in the Valley: Female Erotic Massage)


Touching the Penis:

If you are giving your male lover an erotic massage, be sure to touch every part of his genitals.

Recommended Video for Enrolled Students: These lovers in South Africa learned their penis massage from Joseph Kramer. Notice how they include strokes that ignite all parts of the penis. Penis Massage Video Clip #7 (from "Extended Orgasm for Men")


Step Five: Savor the Afterglow

After the massage, you may want to give your partner time with herself /himself or you may want to snuggle together for a while. Notice how transformed you feel from when you started? You’ll likely say “I needed that.” Feel the new energy you have created in your immediate environment. Let it move through you and you through it. Enjoy your intimate connection and the good feelings it has generated in your bodies. That connection is a little bit of heaven. Say “thank you” and express what you are feeling for one another. Let the afterglow of this massage last for hours or even days.