By: Roy Turpin M.A., C.S.B.
Welcome Erotic Pleasure Pioneers
"Don't make a habit of yelling, or in time they will never listen to a thing you say." Karen Salmansohn
(From: How To Make Your Man Behave In 21 Days Or Less, Using The Secrets of Professional Dog Trainers)
Essential to any embodied partnered activity is open and authentic communication. To get what we want we first must know what we desire; then we can communicate effectively with our partner precisely what our specific desires are.
Please review the following issues as they relate to erotically embodied communication with your partner and if you wish, share your responses, questions or statements in our online forum, "Touch Talk".
How do you use "I" messages?
In what ways do you make clear requests?
How can you modify your requests to get the results you desire?
Identify what inhibits or interrupts the flow of communication!
How can you better stay in erotic flow both verbally & energetically?
Communication To Avoid
Woulda, shoulda and coulda statements often express negative judgements. This can lead to increased defensiveness or rigidity which may send desire and erotic energy spiraling downward.
Partnered Purpose: To create loving, continuous, open, and erotic flow in our communication together.
Communicating Intentionally: Utilizing the Compliment Sandwich
To keep interest, irresistibility and excitement building we want to communicate with our partner in ways which prevent or reduce interruption. We can train one another about the specifics of the kind of touch which builds eros and presence, and what kind of touch does not. One way of allowing energy to flow despite currently not getting exactly what we are wanting is to:
1) Acknowledge your partner is touching you with precise communication...
(I appreciate that you are caressing my left nipple).
2) Make a specific request of your partner.
(Please stroke my nipple more lightly, pinch it harder, or whatever you are desiring more of.
Maybe you wanted to have your face stroked & they touched your body too quickly).
3) Thank your partner when you notice they have altered their touch.
Recommended video for enrolled students
Example of good communication - Victor & Jwala
Getting the Truth of Pleasure in Our Bones!
"Enlightened sex is about profound surrender and dissolution in bright
oneness. The sexual occasion shifts away from the pointed pursuit of
pleasure or even intimacy toward the relaxed practice of blissful
openness...ultimately, to the degree of effortless, effulgent and
unbounded love, a love that transfigures the entire body and heart. And
this transfiguration affects both partners equally, if they are willing
to actively receive such open light deep within their unguarded bodies
David Deida - The Enlightened Sex Manual, pg. 78.
I often keep in mind a few aspects of deepening commitment while I am with clients as well as during play time with my partner. I am interested in both the control/surrender continuum as well as the approach/avoidance continuum.
Noticing how much I need to control is connected intimately with my lack of feeling safe. How I surrender is about understanding my commitment to creating a safe place for myself and my partner to allow whatever is present in the moment to be there without my need for evaluation. When my mind is very active there may be pleasure anxiety, some unmet need, or something unresolved in our communication together. My partner may have had a busy, full day and need to discharge the emotions they were carrying from earlier experiences throughout the day. We set aside time for this as part of a play date. It's hard to be present to erotic sensation when I am holding onto the anger about someone who cut me off on my way home from the grocery store. Maybe I am someone who has difficulty letting go. Keeping a running commentary going on in my head is a sure sign that I won't easily be able to focus on the erotic sensations which are present in the moment. Using sex as a meditation brings a sacredness to our time together and allows me to relax into giving or receiving, depending upon my agreed upon role.
Approach avoidance is about how I keep fulfillment at a distance. Healthy relationships are based upon trust. I can ask you for what I need & you will say yes or no. If I am willing to hear no from you then I will trust your yes. I may approach you with the belief that I am testing whether or not you will fulfill my desire. If I fear that you will not fulfill it then I will in some way want to avoid you. This is a subtle game that we play in relationships and I find it gets in the way of fulfillment big time. Understanding it & staying present with my partner in the face of making a clear request while not moving away will lead to greater intimacy & trust that they will meet my desires with presence & love.
What is the truth about your request? How is the fulfillment of your request Better than you think? How is your request Only about you? What about you being more sensational in the present moment have you Never experienced before? What is it about making your request explicit that will Set your pleasure free?
Recommend Video for enrolled students
View the following video segment with the above quote in mind - Ben Haggard & Joe Miron
Breath is Life
"Only through breathing deeply and fully can one summon the energy for a more spirited and spiritual life" (Lowen, 1975, p. 66)
Shared breath with a lover can be one of the most intimate exchanges we can have together. I view sharing conscious breathing as even more intimate than intercourse. Think about it, while breathing we are literally taking the essence of who someone is, breathing it into ourselves, and it becomes us. This actually goes on day in and day out and even with strangers!
People generally hold their breath and tighten their muscles during sex. Not to mention during alot of other daily activities. Raising sexual heat or regulating and intensifying an orgasm some tension can be necessary. Unfortunately, breath holding is often an involuntary reaction, which can result in increased muscle tension, premature orgasm and not as deep a sense of fulfillment as is possible. Be aware that breathing, the mind and erotic response are all uniquely interdependent. Altering any one of these aspects of ourselves can change the other two. A correct relationship to our breathing is an essential component of erotic embodiment.
Basics Of Breathing
There are breathing techniques which may prolong and amplify erotic energy. Cooling breath can be adopted when nearing orgasm to prolong pleasure. Charging breath can jump start your erotic energy by encouraging more oxygen and chi to flow throughout your system.
Breathing is so simple and so obvious that it is usually taken for granted. Most ignore the power it has to affect our body, mind and spirit. With each inhale we bring oxygen into the body and spark the transformation of nutrients into fuel. With each exhale carbon dioxide is released from our body. Breathing directly affects our state of mind and the quality of our emotional experience. It can cause us to be excited, calm, tense or relaxed. It can make our thinking confused or clear. Air is the primary source of life force, a psycho-physiological-spiritual force which permeates the universe. The ancient yogis developed many breathing techniques to maximize the benefits of what they described as prana. Pranayama is used in yoga as a meditative practice to help clear and cleanse the body and mind. It is also used as a preparation for meditation with asanas, the practice of postures, and to help maximize the benefits of a focused mind.
Several commonly used forms of breathwork are Reichian, Holotropic, Rubenfeld, Mittendorf, Bioenergetics, Radiance and Vivation. The techniques associated with these methods vary somewhat but all create essentially similar results.
The "sounding" breath is somewhat like the sound the "Darth Vader" character from the film Star Wars makes. It involves opening the mouth and the back of the throat while breathing to create an "ah" sound. Benefits of the prolonged practice of this breath are an increased focus of the mind, an increase of mindfulness and the generating of more internal heat.
a) Sit in a comfortable position with your spine straight or lie down on your back. Begin taking long, slow, deep breaths through the nostrils.
b) Allow the breath to be gentle and relaxed as you slightly open the back of your throat, creating a steady hissing sound as you breathe in and out. The sound need not be forced, but should be loud enough so that if someone came close to you they would hear it.
c) Lengthen the inhalation and the exhalation as much as possible without creating tension anywhere in your body, and allow the sound of the breath to be continuous and smooth. To help create the proper "ah" sound, hold your hand up to your mouth and exhale as if trying to fog a mirror. Inhale the same way. Notice how you expand the back of the throat to create a fog effect. Now close your mouth and do the same thing while breathing through the nose.
The Complete Breath
Known as the "complete" or "three-part" breath, this breathing technique teaches how to fill the three chambers of the lungs, beginning with the lower lungs, then moving up through the thoracic region and into the clavicular region. A complete breath involves the conscious control over inhalation, retention and exhalation. Slow steady breathing through the nose is an excellent means to relax and prolong an erotic session with yourself and with a partner. Inhale deeply through the nose, slowly filling your lungs from top to bottom. Push the diaphragm down by extending the abdomen outwards. Pause. Exhale through the nose and pull the abdomen inward slightly. This style of breathing promotes proper use of the diaphragm, relaxes the mind and body, oxygenates the blood and clears residual carbon dioxide from the lungs.
a) Sit with your spine erect, or lie down on your back. Begin taking long, slow, and deep breaths through the nostrils. As you inhale, allow the belly to fill with air, drawing air deep into the lower lungs. As you exhale, allow the belly to deflate like a balloon. Repeat several times, keeping the breath smooth and relaxed, and never straining. Repeat several times.
b) Breathe into your belly as in Step #1, but also expand the mid-chest region by allowing the rib cage to open outward to the sides. Exhale and repeat several times.
c) Follow steps #1 and #2 and continue inhaling by opening the clavicular region or upper chest. Exhale and repeat.
d) Combine all three steps into one continuous or complete flow.
The Cleansing Breath
This simple form of alternate nostril breathing is suitable for beginning and advanced students. Nadi means channel and refers to the energy pathways through which prana flows. Shodhana means cleansing -- so Nadi Shodhana means channel cleaning.
Calms the mind, soothes anxiety and stress, balances left and right hemispheres of the brain and promotes clear thinking.
a) Hold your right hand up and curl your index and middle fingers toward your palm. Place your thumb next to your right nostril and your ring finger and pinky by your left. Close the right nostril by pressing gently against it with your thumb, and inhale through the left nostril. The breath should be slow, steady and full.
b) Now close the left nostril by pressing gently against it with your ring finger and pinky, and open your right nostril by relaxing your thumb and exhale fully with a slow and steady breath. Inhale through the right nostril, close it, and then exhale through the left nostril. That's one complete round of Nadi Shodhana --
Inhale through the left
Exhale through the right
Inhale through the right nostril
Exhale through the left
Begin with 5-10 rounds and add more as you feel ready. Remember to keep your breathing slow, easy and full.
You can practice this any time and anywhere. Use it as a warm-up before meditation to help calm the mind and put you in the mood. You can practice it before beginning exercise or a hatha yoga routine. Use it when you feel upset or at other times throughout the day to encourage you toward a more elevated mood. Nadi Shodhana helps control stress and anxiety. If you start to feel stressed out, 10 or so rounds will help calm you down. It also helps soothe anxiety caused by fearful or stressful situations. Use it before an important meeting or when stuck in traffic!
"Crow Beak" breathing
Curl your tongue and protrude it slightly beyond your lips. Inhale through this 'straw'. Close your mouth and retain your breath for long as is comfortable then exhale through the nose. Crow beak is cooling and slows the building of erotic sensation.
Press the tip of your tongue against the roof of your mouth and inhale slowly through the mouth making a slight hissing sound. Retain the breath, followed by exhalation through the nose. This is another cooling breath.
Alternate "Right/Left" nostril breathing
Only breathing through the right nostril is warming and stimulates the sex drive bringing on orgasm. (Use your index finger to cover the left nostril.) In contrast breathing only through the left nostril is cooling thereby helping to build excitement more slowly. You can adjust left or right nostril breathing to suit your needs during sex.
Hold your mouth open with tongue protruding slightly. Pant rapidly and fully from your belly (not your throat). This form of breathing promotes arousal and excitability.
Such breathing techniques give you and your partner greater options regarding sexual response. If you strain while doing any of these techniques, you are doing them incorrectly. Correct breathing is about creating more erotic flow. When breathing is relaxed and free flowing the result can be greater presence and a more embodied erotic experience.